FEMALE NAVIGATION DEVICE

Gentlemen, I’ve got a product for you. It’s electronic. It fits in your front pocket too. Designed by the Army but made for a Dude. It solves the conundrum that keeps men confused.

The Female Navigation Device! It’s a GPS with a map of the female mind! Find the girl of your dreams. Follow the screen, and arrive inside her pants. It’s time to put something new in the palm of your hand!

[Powering on. Loading data. Finding satellites.]
The mystery of woman has been unlocked! Finally, reach your fingers into Pandora’s Box! Observe!

Find me a disease-free easy drunk woman.
[Proceed five meters ahead. Arriving at destination.]
Brilliant! Find me that mysterious man in the boat…
[Move down two millimeters. Make U-Turn. Recalculating.]

The Female Navigation Device! It’s easy to use… any woman you like. It bounces a satellite signal all the way from Mars to Venus. It’s like a thinking cap for your penis!

[Compliment her shoes. Don’t act so desperate. Be nice to her ugly friend. Your belt does not match your shoes. Change your shirt. Recalculating. Change your job. Change your friends. If she asks, her butt is not big. Indecisiveness is a turn-off. Act confident. Act confident. Watching four hours of golf on a Sunday is not quality time, trim your pubic hair, cut your toe nails, you need to be more spontaneous, you need to be more productive, you need to see a therapist, Arriving at Bed, Bath and Beyond; America’s Next Top Model is fun to watch, don’t sleep with contact lenses in, be interested in her fortune cookie, that rug really ties the room together, strong men also cry, stop quoting the Big Lebowski, put aloe on it, buy free range chicken, fitter, happier, more productive, stop listening to Radiohead. It’s depressing. Respond promptly to her text messages and emails, don’t talk to old girlfriends on Facebook. Tell her she’s pretty or beautiful. Don’t use the word “cute”. Remind her to remind you to remind her to call her friend, Put more female artists on your ipod.]