TAKE IT OFF

Hi.  Take off your jacket, put down your drink and slip off your shoes.

Come on over.  I want to get a good look at you.

Now, take off your glasses.  That’s right.  I want to see your face.

Now show me your I.D. and your boarding pass,

And I might let your ass on this plane.

I work for the T.S.A. and today you’re mine.

You’re gonna take it all off for me if you want to take off on time.

Your whole family watches as I get you spread eagled and I rub my wand all over your body.

I’m a pervert on Orange Alert.  I smell like cigarette smoke and salami.

What the Hell is this?  I’m confiscating what’s in your suitcase.

Are you a terrorist?  Freedom isn’t free.  It’s gonna cost you your toothpaste.

Don’t you know the rule of 3-1-1.  Three ounces, one quart bag, one bag in the bin.

That’s 88.7205 milliliters if you follow the metric system.  It’s easy!

I work for the T.S.A., I’m in control and I got a badge.

I got a lifetime supply of your toiletries.  I’m a troll.  You’re on my bridge.

I’m a superhero with x-ray vision and a special machine that goes Bleeep!

And, if you make a face at me, I can take away your dignity.

Just pretend you’re Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

I’ll be the Scarecrow or the Lion with the cowardly paws.

When you finally get your shoes back on, click your heels and repeat after me:

“There is no place like home… land security!”

I work for the T.S.A. and I’ll be here on the front of the lines.

The War on Terror is supporting me.  That gives me license to terrorize.

Sometimes I wish I could just leave my post, get on an aeroplane and fly high.

But, I can’t.  So, I sneak off to the bathroom, I eat salami, and I get high.  High.

Hi.  Take off your jacket, put down your drink and slip off your shoes.